I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.