Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
What flavor cupcake are these
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!