* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
You Might Also Like
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Whoa… oh I see lol
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…