I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either