I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension