I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
this isn’t threatening at all
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*