Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.