Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
This is a true ally.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up