Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
You Might Also Like
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Happy thanksgiving!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.