Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
You Might Also Like
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
😂😂😂
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]