them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
when you are just born a rebel
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science