Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You Might Also Like
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs