Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
absolutely not
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
#math