Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.