PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.