What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Scream sneezers need love too.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”