BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
How actors in movies eat their food
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.