The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
North and South
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.