[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Its true…
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.