I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.