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We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The Backseat Boys
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month