Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
synchronized noseblowing
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge