If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes