old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.