I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
i made a craigslist ad !