Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
This has made my week.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
What flavor cupcake are these
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.