[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok