My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.