A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Okey dokey.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Air pods looking like an angry frog
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.