Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m sure it’s fine.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.