Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.