Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
mmm onion ringos
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I’m not average. I’m mean.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I finally found a reason to live again.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.