[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My what?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no