WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Pass gas, not judgment.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!