You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Google Pay be like:
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Still laughing at this stupid meme
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.