“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
You Might Also Like
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.