Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
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No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules