Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead