Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening