“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!