Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
You Might Also Like
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet