Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
LOL!
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.