Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
just make the entire table out of coaster