My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Any refunds available?…
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Every time.