Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true