oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.