Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.