Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
nobody’s gonna understand
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.