Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Grandmother clock.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”