If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
somebody come look at this
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.